We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
