I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
