so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
