hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
