OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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