i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
