i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize