John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
