By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
