Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
