yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she peed on how many people?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize