Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
