Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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