Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
