I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
