So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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