First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
