hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
