I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
