I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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