I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How does it feel to date your dad?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
