I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
