It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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