Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
