You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
