I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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