Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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