Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
