You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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