I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
