Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
