I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
