Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
