So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
