I faked an abortion last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
