how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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