Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
