So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
