White coat. Heels.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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