Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
