Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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