You really coming over, don't trick.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
