My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
