Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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