So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize