I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
