Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He better not be in your backpack
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
