I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Randomize
