I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
