Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
