Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
