Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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