I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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