dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
