the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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