anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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