I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
