In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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