thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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