I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
