My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
