So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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